Never trust anyone who doesn't drink coffee...

Remember the scene in "You've Got Mail" where Tom Hanks bemoans the Starbucks experience?

The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat, etc. So people who don't know what... they're doing or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self: Tall. Decaf. Cappuccino.

I used to be able to laugh at that. When I first slunk into a Starbucks, it was a nerve-wracking experience. Everyone else in there seemed very sure of what they wanted, using all the right codewords -- half-caf, no foam, quad shot, venti -- and there I was, just trying to figure out what "macchiato" was!

I timidly said, "Um... a mocha."

"What size, sir?" barked the barrista -- trained by the company into that professionally indifferent, yet somehow intimidating bearing so common among them. Maybe it's the espresso fumes.

"Um... medium."

"Grande? We've got tall, grande, and venti."

"Tall, then." That seemed like it would be larger -- I knew I didn't want a short. Especially since I couldn't find it on the menu.

Then I went over to wait with the four or five other customers, listening as their drinks were served, and they all seemed to require more adjectives than the average cereal commercial. It's an awkward wait, even to this day, as you stand there, watching like a hawk, making sure nobody else gets your drink by accident (or intent!), leaving you to have to bother the barrista yet again. "Um, did you already make my triple venti carmel macchiato no-foam with whip add hazelnut?" Usually they haven't yet.

But now I'm a much more seasoned caffeine addict. I can casually breeze in, order my quad-grande-soy-white-mocha-no-whip-extra-hot, almost never thinking about whether I'm buying fancy coffee because I actually like coffee, or do I just like being something of a coffee snob? It isn't all attitude, though. I just happen to like a little extra caffeine (quad), can't stand the taste of hot milk (hence the soy milk), don't want the whipped cream taking up the room that could be used for more coffee (no-whip), and like it to be hot for more than two minutes (exra hot). It's all reasonable, a consequence of the years of coffee-drinking experience I've had.

Does anyone else think of C.S. Lewis' discussion of the "gluttony of delicacy" when they order a fancy coffee drink at more than 30 cents an ounce?

Not that I'm giving it up, mind you. I'm just asking. Oh, that reminds me, I need to put more money on my Starbucks card before taking my daughter to gymnastics today. I want an espresso brownie with my cup today.