If ignorance is bliss, I'm a VERY happy man.

There are any number of things I don’t understand. That, I suppose, does not make me unique, but in admitting it, I feel that I elevate myself somewhat above those who refuse to seek wisdom by confessing their need for it. Of course, that is probably an unwise feeling on my part.

One thing I don’t understand is the appeal of the idea of having a “soul mate.” I understand essentially what it means. The basic idea is that we are born as one of two “twin souls,” or some would say, with half of a soul, and it is our destiny in life to wander the earth until we find our other half, our “spiritual twin,” and join our lives together to be complete. If we fail to find that person, we will never know the great joy of being a “whole person.” With something on the order of 6 billion people living in the world, the odds of finding that one person make this a rather depressing idea, to me. Of course, if “destiny” is involved, I suppose it would arrange to at least lob the two souls in the same corner of the planet.

There is a more popular understanding of the idea of a soul mate, though. A soul mate is someone with whom you share a deep affinity, and with whom your every moment is comfortable, happy, and open. You share pastimes, you complete each others sentences, and there is no barrier between the two of you. This is because, again, you are “meant to be together.” It’s supposed to be a very romantic notion.

I feel this is just plain hooey. What is romantic about the idea that I picked my wife because I was meant to, because “destiny” brought us together, and we couldn’t help it? It seems much more romantic to say that I chose her, out of all the other women I might have chosen, to spend my life with.

I have never regretted that choice. I have often regretted how unfit I am for the task of being a husband, but have not regretted that she is the poor woman I have inflicted myself upon! I’m not an awful guy, really, but if I’d know how much of a heartless, thoughtless jerk I can be at times, I might have just kicked her in the shin to start with, and said, “If you can come away from that smiling, you just might understand what being married to me will be like!”

If Nina and I are to be anything like “soul mates,” it will be because both of us have chosen to do so. We chose to marry each other, and we must continue to chose to become more like the person our spouse needs in order to feel fulfilled and happy, and in order to continue to grow into the person they need to be.

I am thinking of these things today because I talked to a friend this morning who is having some difficulties in his marriage. He is very confused and hurt by everything going on, but is honest enough to realize that he is not without fault in the situation, and is trying to figure out how to move forward and make things better. He’s learning to put words to ideas he instinctively knew, but is now having to flesh out into words so that he and his wife can talk constructively about their relationship. Things like, “Getting married is easy; staying married is hard work.” Well, what does that hard work look like? It’s different for each marriage, though it’s bound up in similar principles: find out what your spouse needs, what they want, and meet those needs and wants as best you can, without sacrificing yourself. If both partners give themselves to this principle, it can make things easier. The problems arise in wanting to give yourself to your spouse, and in really being able to identify and distinguish between their wants and their needs.

Well, that’s what’s on my mind right now. A tad heavy, I realize, but what fun is thinking about this stuff if you don’t make someone else put up with it?